I have reached a stage where arranged marriage has become an option in my life. And I know that many of you might not agree to it but there are still many men who are now available on matrimony apps, looking for their better halves and well, why not.
Although, during the process I realised that while making the decision and talking to potential partners, at times (majorly all the time) I was clueless on what to ask them. What should my questions be to someone I am thinking of spending my life with? Hence, while talking to a potential partner, I came clean and told him how clueless I am about what my questions should be, in order to make one of the most important decisions in my life.
You might be surprised but his reply was that he is as clueless as I am. This definitely led me to do some digging and find my answers, oops, I mean questions. The research led to yes of course some old fashioned googling, but also asking some of my peers who have gone through the same process and of course, asking the professionals: the parents.
The answers (questions) were many. While many told me how important it is to know a person’s income, there were many who also told me to understand what the hobbies of a person are, as they might reveal their character.
In order to inculcate this list from our various sources, I made sure to ask questions from a males perspective, leading to some varied responses that might not have been relevant for men. Hence, the following list is in accordance with the replies that I felt were most relevant for men and could help men in finding their right partner.
Well then, here goes nothing:
Make sure to go through their profile
So, yes before delving into the questions, I would like to make sure that you have gone through the profile of your potential match. If you, like me, are on one of the matrimony apps and like to participate in choosing your potential partner through the world of the very wide web, making sure that your choices are not limited to one set of people, then I definitely would recommend you to make sure to go through the profiles.
There are some certain things that we all are definitely looking for, be it their physical appearances or characteristics, in our potential partners. Making sure that while going through the profiles at least some certain set of these choices are met is essential. While going through the profile you can also look out for all the hobbies that they might have listed, this will help in taking conversations ahead when you both might hit that awkward silence.
Although, if you are going through the arranged marriage process in a very traditional way, meaning that your parents, loved ones or ‘well-wishers’, show you the images of your potential match. You choose out of the slot and then let them take the discussion ahead with maybe only one or two meetings and conversations with your potential partner, then make sure to go through their bio data that may have been sent to your family members for consideration.
Having some information about the person you are willing to meet and take things ahead in your journey will give you an upper hand in realising who might be a good match for your future or if you both even share the same values that are needed to take ahead any relationship.
Once you have decided on meeting this person, it is time to jot down the questions. Even if due to some reasons you are not able to meet them, it is good enough to ask them the following questions through a phone call or messages as well.
We all come from different backgrounds and even though you and your partner might have been brought up with some similar values and traditions, they still might have some different expectations from their partner.
In our society women are brought up with a grand idea of marriage being one of the biggest life goals. Over time, many women end up having their own ideas of their own perfect marriage. These ideas can definitely range from a grand wedding to maybe even something as simple as a court marriage. The fact is society has made women believe that their wedding day is one day that they are going to be treated with uttermost importance.
Hence, a man might not grow up with expectations around their wedding day, but a woman definitely does. The very first question that you need to ask your to-be partner is about their expectations, be it for their day of the wedding or some expectations that they might have from their future partner.
Many of us would like to have some characteristics in the partner of our dreams and many of us are pretty sure of what are some traits that we can not be part of. For instance, a friend of mine is certain that she can never date or marry a smoker but is also sure that her future partner needs to be someone on whom she can depend financially. These expectations are not just limited to the characteristics but go beyond how they want to be treated and live their ‘happy endings’.
So, obviously your very first question, for your partner to be should be about their expectations and what is it that they are looking for?
I know you might be confused as to why the question of someone’s intention about marriage is second. Well, the fact is once someone has already told you what they are expecting, you will know that they are serious about the next step in their lives. Also, a question about expectations kind of breaks the ice and let’s people be themselves.
Understanding why someone is looking to be married and that too through the process of arranged marriage is important. The ‘why’ will make you understand their decision and also will become a huge factor in taking things forward. Getting to know their reason will also make sure that they are not just doing it under some kind of pressure, be it from the family or just due to peer pressure.
What someone likes to do during their free time can tell you a lot about their personality. For example an adventurous soul will make sure that they are either in a social setting or planning their next travel itinerary during their free time. While someone who is an introvert would find their pleasure in their books or maybe even just playing games at home.
Understanding what kind of personality your future partner has is very important as the personality will define their traits. It gives you an overview of what are the kinds of things that you might have to make a compromise on and what are the things that you both will enjoy doing together.
We as a generation understand that the term work load does not just mean the office work, but even the household work. It is now very important for you as a man to understand that even if your partner is currently not working in an office, they still have domestic work load on them, which at times can be very stressful.
Be the forthcoming one and ask them what their expectations are when it comes to running a household. After all, making a house a home is the responsibility of both of you and not just one person.
Taking the conversation to a more serious level would be to ask them about the closest person in their lives, be it their friend, family or maybe even a cousin. If they tell you about their closest friend, do remember to ask them how they spend their time together. This will give you an idea about their company and what kind of things they like to do together, are they someone who will spend their weekend out on a trip with friends or it will be a sober night while including their partners.
Asking someone about their closest person will also make you realise the kind of person your future partner might be. Whether you are talking with someone who is heavily influenced by their family and likes to take the most important decision of their lives depending on what their family says or has an independent opinion, where they do listen to their loved ones but take the decision according to what they feel is right can be judged through their closeness to their closest person.
Kids and Marriage
Remember that even if you already feel close to the person you are talking to, it is still an arranged marriage setup and you are not actually dating them. So, the questions of starting a family and when they want to get married are not ‘too early’.
You might be of the opinion that everyone who is looking for a marriage is also down to have kids. The truth can be far from it. I know that we have all grown up with the idea that a family is complete only once the children are there, but that is not true. A single person with their cat is also a family. Hence, it becomes necessary to understand the idea of a family from your future partner’s view.
This would also be the perfect time to understand when they are looking to get married. One year, two years or even next month. Yes, it is an arranged marriage and it could be quite possible that someone might be looking to get married as early as possible. This will let you decide how ready you are to take this next step and how much time you will need to understand and get the person you think will be great for your future.
Last but not the least. Every marriage, be it even a love marriage has to go through some compromises. If a person keeps living his life how they were spending it during their bachelor days while in a marriage, then that marriage is sure to be doomed.
Hence, it is quite necessary to understand the things that you and your future partner would be ready to compromise on. On the other hand, it is also quite necessary to understand what are some things that your partner can never ever compromise on. Make sure that the things that they can not compromise on are some of the things that you are okay about. For example, someone with a pet might not be okay to compromise on leaving their pet for your needs. So, do make sure that these are some things that you can live with.
Taking one of the most important decisions in your life can be scary. Finding the right person who will become your partner for life is scarier. The above mentioned questions are to help you out in the process of making the right decision.
Please do note that these are not the only questions that one should ask, but these are the essential ones that should be part of your list of more broader questions. Also, do give yourself some time to understand the next person and make sure that you take that decision of going ahead with a clear heart and mind. All the very best to you all.